The problem is I'm 23. I am quite aware that to most people -particularly those over 23, the fact of being in their early 20s would mean so many other things: it could mean opportunities, it could mean freedom and carelessness, it could mean love, friendship, coffee shops, iPads and iPods and touchscreen applications, it could be having a free day, midweek, to try out that two-ingredient banana bread recipe, it could be travelling. It could really be anything, just not a problem.
But for me it is. And it is because for the past 22 years, 7 months and 6 days I have accumulated without releasing.
And see, I accumulated because I knew you had to; in order to create something worthy, something valuable, you need some accumulation. See, all the greatest inventors and thinkers of the world could not have done what they did without accumulating some knowledge and experience beforehand. Is that not the whole point of schooling? Get it all into them, have them get it all out on a piece (or several pieces) of paper. Accumulation. It is important and needs to be done. Only when you have enough of what you want, can you produce and create and give back a digested version of what you have accumulated. Your version of it.
So, like I said, I'm a big accumulator. I accumulate clippings, books, magazines, cinema catalogues, weird things I found in the streets, photos, buttons, pieces of flowery cloth, bookmarks. I used to gobble it all up. Read the book, clip the clipping on the wall, watch the film, screencap the film, try the recipe, go back to the bookmark and do the thing I bookmarked it for. Not always, not really, but I did use to do it.
I used to write, to try to. I opened a livejournal and for serveral years I wrote in it what I felt and what I thought and what was going through my mind and I felt that it was shaping and training me and polishing my writing.
To be quite fair, I've always accumulated far more than I've produced. But I did do some producing, even if it wasn't in the same quantity as my accumulation -but I did it.
I have come to notice that I have let mself stop, though. And I say "let myself" because I have been aware of my doing so all along. I only kept on accumulating and told myself I'll do the doing later: So I kept buying books, keeping clippings, grabbing the monthly catalogue from the movie theatre,, grabbing flyers for art and photo expos, bookmarking things and collecting newspaper and magazine articles in my brower's tabs. But every single one of those things has just sat there while I ignored it.
Somes I wake up. Mostly inspired by another person. It can be anyone: someone I actually know and suddenly think about, someone I've just met, or an author, traveller, artist,... Really anyone. And for a few days, I do things thinking about them. I let myself become inspired by them and it makes me be productive again. See, I abandonded my livejournal (which became one of my many accumulations), but I have a little notepad that I write in from time to time. Or if it is not writing that I feel like then I take pictures. Or I go running, really just anything.
It's just something very powerful, seeing someone that is not much too different from you, or who is now, but didn't use to be. So I guess it's sort of as if my meeting or remember that person had me asking myself: "What would they do?".
And so here comes the part where I reveal the purpose of this blog. This blog is about me producing out of my accumulation. Not to stop accumulating because I think that is an excellent habit and I have no intention of losing it, but I am quite tired of looking at job offers and realizing I have nothing to submit. No work. I do have very emotional and indepth (for a 16 year old) blog entries though, if that is of any interest to my future employees.
So this is about me, asking myself, not "what would they do?" but "what would I do?". Because I have to start doing at some point, and the problem is, I'm 23. So I'm late.
